Life is Rough

Well If I can’t eat my feelings, I guess I’ll have to do something else to handle this stress…..

I don’t know why I have been feeling this way the last couple of weeks. I have just been in such a funk. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I used to care about my grades and doing well but now I just want to give up. It’s too hard and I want to sleep. I am so sick of feeling tired all the time. I am SO sick of feeling anxious all the time. Half my day is filled with me having a near anxiety attack and the other half of the day, I am drained from it. 

I feel like I am starting to forget my mom. I know that sounds dramatic and it’s hard to even say that. I remember hospital and hospice mom but not MY mom. You know what I mean? It just really hurts a lot. I just love her so much and it is so hard not to have her. I feel like I am being a giant baby. My life really isn’t that hard, I am fortunate to have what I have. I feel like people are like, “OMG she is still upset about that? She needs to get over it”. And I am trying but it’s so hard. I don’t know how to get over it. 

I feel like the reason I am anxious has a lot to do with the fact that it is almost May. May is a big month for me in a lot of ways. It’s mother’s day, my birthday and her birthday all in the same month. How do you celebrate these things without her? She is my mom, without her I wouldn’t even be here. I just don’t want to turn 21 without my mom. I just need her so much. I have always been an anxious mess but it is 3 thousands times worse without her here to calm me down.

I feel like I am being dramatic and that people are sick of me. I honestly just wish I was dead. That would solve all my problems. But it wouldn’t help anyone else…

I feel so stupid. Ugh

I wish I knew how to be happy and I didn’t have to constantly fake it. It is so draining. 

I forgot how good it feels. I hate how bad it is.

I never thought I would say this, but I am so OVER Gamma Phi. People fail to see that first and foremost this is a sisterhood. I feel like we are just turning into a business like organization. There isn’t heart anymore.